ERB
ERB, full Epic rap battles of the whole History! It's a AMV fictional spoof of ERB. First Battle First: Luca Borlinghaten VS Camelion Wolf! Begin! Lyrics: Lucas: Four score! and 5 years in the future, I'll won the Civil War with my beard. Now I'm here to whup yo ass! I've read up all your facts. You cure cancer with your tears? Well, tell me, Camelion, how come you never sat down and cried on your career? You're a washed up husband on TV selling the Total Gyms. And you're gonna lose this battle like you lost Revolver 3dn. I'll rip your chest hairs out, put 'em in my mouth. I'll squash you like I squashed the South. I never told a lie and I won't start now. You're a horse with a limp. I will put you down! Camelion: This isn't Gettysburg, punk. I'd suggest retreating. For I invented rap music when my heart started beating. Camelion Wolf doesn't battle, he just allows you to lose. My raps will blow your mind like a verbal Adam Bell. Lucas: I've got my face on the side of a mountain. You voted for John McCain. I've got a bucket full of my head, and I'm about to make it rain. You block bullets with your beard? I catch 'em with my skull. I'd make fun of Wolfie, teh Texas Werewolf, but I've never even seen that show. Camelion: I am Camelion Fucking Wolf! I've spread more blood and gore than 40 score on your puny Civil Wars, bitch! I spit the Union with a roundhouse kick. I wear a black beard on the beard that I grow on my dick! I attack sharks while I smell 'em bleed. I don't go swimming, water just wants to be around me. My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster. You may have freed the slaves, but Camelion's everyone's master! Second ERB spoof battle, Shao Kahn VS Olaf Tutchenko! Begin! Lyrics: Olaf: I am Olaf Tutchenko! General of the Ultranationalists. Little known fact; Also zope on zee mic! You a' Shao, wish yo little boots and cape, And a helmet to cover up that burnt alien-face! You have zee force to move objects. I am zee force truly evil! Even went back in time and turned you back in zee prequel. Cause' just look at you! You're not even a real peson! I preferred you in Spaceballs, zee Rick Moranis veson! Shao Kahn: You can't rhyme against the dark side of the force. Why even bother? So many dudes been with yo mom who even knows if I'm your father? You're a pissed off little prick with a Barzini dick. You call that a mustache? I call that Dirty Sanchez on yo lip. You bitch, let me remind you who your messing with. Everything that you did, I'm the motafaka who invented it. I'm the original Dak Lord. You're like the sorcerer's apprentice. My tarkatans make yours look like someone took a piece of shit and cloned it. Olaf: You stink Shao. Your style smells something sava. You need to wash up, dog. Here step in my sava šava! I'll turn all your friends against you! Just as my speeches breed heters! What's yo lightsaber VS a clan of all your white nebs? Shao: Nyain! Suck my alien balls. Now take a step back and let me freeze yours off! A little Carbonite bath for your gope stepping ass. We'll call my homeboy in Outworld, ta see who got the last laugh. Third ERB battle, Adam Bell VS Kane Barrel! Begin! Lyrics: Adam: The name's Kizkakati, I got a license to KILL. Make you swallow my rhymes like a steroids pill. Your body looks like a spray tan banana. With a wous mustache and a wack bandana. I'm comin' at you like the Asian Rick Flair! Bitch, I'll suplex you by your friggin' dick hair. Your whole fam's a bunch o' Barbies, dude You want beef? Eat this Chinese BBQ! Kane: You got a ring side seat to your own Smackdown, brother. You look like Sonic the Hedgehog’s mother. Your freak, a phony, a rice-a-roni jabroni. I'm gonna bounce you like a check for my alimony. Come on dude, all the little Kanesters know. I'll hang you from the ropes like a South Park puppet show. I'll choke hold you hostage like Laura Ling! Brother, I'll leg drop your ass back to Beijing, ha, a town that isn't even in China! Adam: Beijing is in China, you blond's asshole. I'm a god amongs men, you're a suburban cammando. Republic of China, bitch! Lemme give you a tour. BTW, yo wife said my dick is bigger than yours! (Boom)! *Adam shoots from his bazooka, injures Kane* Announcer: Kane Barrel goes down, I don't no if he can finish the battle, wait he reachin' for teh ropes, it's... it's... THE UNDERTAKER! Eddy Barrel! Begin! Taker: Oh, yea, it's about to get real. Watch me snap into a little Zati, Kizkakati Kanzcozwikz I don't like to hit little bitches with glasses. But when midgets step up, I stomp midget asses. The Undertaker (Church bell rings), there is no equal. Just spend less time rappin' and start feedin' yo people. Punk, My elbow will drop the whole nation. On the half of the entire World Wrestling Federation. Yeah! Fourth ERB battle, Justin Bieber VS Ludwig van Beethoven! Begin! Lyrics: Bieber: Look what the cat dragged back from the cat. Man, it looks like Chewbacca wiped his beard on your head. I'm the next Jack White. Here's some aspirin, BB fever tonight! 'Cause your voice is incredible and my music is terrible. Who even listens to BB any-waay? Even Elise wants to do me, and now that you're right next to me, do me. Beethoven: Sit down, son, and let me give you a music lesson. Ask Cock, I got more dick! Never say never? You'll never be forgettin'. I've crafted masterpieces that will last throughout the ages. Your music gets you bitches that will last throughout the ages on pages! I'm committing verbal murder in the major verbal gree. My name is Beethoven merbel verbel! Maybe you've heard of me! Not the Saint Bernard version, I'm the real .O.G. You wanna trade blows? You can't even blow Saint Bernard version! Bieber: I got Michael Jackson in my bed backstage. When's the last time your music got laid? I've got a concert in five, so I guess there's not much time left, hehe. What else can I say? Your own music got me laid! Ludwig: I would f*ck you, but in Germany, we f*ck little girls. And I'm glad I f*ck little girls... You wanna be a little Jack White? Here, (Gives Bieber Jack White's hat)! Fifth ERB battle, Paul Barrel VS Robotical Sub-Zero! Bagin! Lyrcis: Paul: When I claim my battle theory, mine is obviously blond. So take a shit Sub, 0op! I see you shit your own. What's with yo voice? I can't frickin' tell! You sound like Wall-E havin' sex with a Speak & Spell! I'll school you anywhere, MIT to Oxford. All your fans will be like "uh, zat was Sup-ward!" Cause' I'm dope as two rappers, you better be scared. 'Cause that means Paul B=MC squared! Zero: You've... got no idea what you're messing with 'er boy, I got 12rims-inch rims on my chair that's how I roll, y’all. You look like someone glued a mtesh on a troll doll. I'll be specin' out the rhymes, fast like gravity speches times. When you try to put your little b-brain against this kind of mind. I'm the fast, I'm the best, I’m the Snoop Dogg of science! I'll be shitin' mad apples on yo head from the shoulders o'l giant. Paul: I'm zee giant's two shoulders you'd have shit on - if you could shit. I'll give you a Brief History of Pain wish zee back of my hand! You can't destroy matter or me, for serious! Ripping holes in you but of course bigger holes than the hole in your black hole theory was!!! Zero: There are 10 million, million, million, million, million, million, million, particles in the universe that we can observe. Yer' mema took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd. You wanna bring the heat with the mushroom clouds you’re maki'? I'm about to take raps from scrap like Carl Sagan. And while it's true that an hour's made on too, I'm a super computer, you're like a TI-82. Oooo! Sixth ERB battle, Dirty Dan P VS Jimmy Starkey. Begin! Lyrics: Jimmy: How you gonna battle? I f*cked up hip-hoppin'. Rabbit's little tail swingin' and it's big ears floppin'. Jimmy Starkey, baby, I deserve to be arrogant. You ugly, rapist, pelt wearing barbarian! Uoh, whach'a gonna do? You’ve got a bucket on your head and a fu manchu! The Great Wall couldn't keep you out of China. Watch me rub rabbit's foot for luck and stick it right up your vagina! Dan: Hahaha,... COME ON!!! Yo Starkey ass 'bout to feel the wrath of Dan. Silly boy, you'll need more than luck. You’ve got two ears but can't hear that you suck! I rive a Texan hoard, yo army is weak! What? You goin' to attack me with a posse of peeps? I'll bite off your tail and punch your teeth down your throat. Then butcher yo family and make a new coat. Jimmy: Take it easy baby, there's no need for this meanness. We should keep it peaceful, homeboy, Jesus! I give people candy, you're just like to pillage. Why don't you get out of my face and go back to your village? Dan: From-(Eggs hits him in the head) Auch, From Poland to Korea, I f*cked up the land. Now I got friends and dudes from New York to Japan. Ha, Starkey my ass, you’re not in the Bible. You’re a fluffy bitch mascot for Hallmark in denial! Seventh ERB battle, The Don VS The... DON! Begin! Lyrics: Don Stracci: Gosh, I can't believe how much of a little bitch you are. When it comes to world leaders, you like literally lowered the bar. I'll rip your bones apart, Bonaparte, turn your bitch into glue. Welcome to the Five Families War, part two! I got skills. I'll put you in half Horatio Nelson! You're the ugliest thing that's ever failed in Russia since Boris Yeltsin! You can keep your french fries, I got tater tots, you gnome. Why don't you crawl back in your little shell and escargot the heck home? Don Barzini: How dare you address moi, you adolescent worm. I am French, you are a buck tooth nerd with a perm! I spit at đou hases zan Tina the Llama. Smacking your face till your lips swell up like Lafawnduh. Doodle up some friends, you gangly freak show. Before I toss you over zee mountain like the dreams of Uncle Woltz! This bastard's about to see how bad a battle can be. After zis, your sonny Salvatore will be voting for me! Don Stracci: Why don't you freaking exile yourself on your little island and hide? 'Cause this is a rap roller-coaster. You're not even tall enough to ride. Ugh, I don’t even care how many, like, stupid Russians you've killed. Cause' to me you're just the emperor of the lollipop guild! Don Barzini: Sacrebleu! T’as une tête a faire sauter les plaques d’egouts! I'm going to shove your moon boots right up your poop shoot! I'll rip you so bad, they'll make a virgin meringue! Oh, you’re the only type of dynamite that's never going to bang! Eight ERB battle, Ben Franklin VS Demoman! Begin! Lyrics: Franklin: Oh, big Ben Franklin and this shall be pretty. Let me instruct you how we battle in the city of Philly. You couldn't sell Rick James a bag of crack, you're out of practice. My victory's more certain than death or taxes! Fact is, you're a hack, wack QVC joe. You peddle soap that cleans bird shit from my window! I'll craft the lyrical coffin and then spit the shits in. Call me Arthur Miller bitch, cause it's death of a shitsman! Demoman: Hi, Demoman here with this special TV offer! Watch me crush this bald, fat, foppish founding father. I'll take my awesome auger and sow your Quaker oats. I'll shoot your rhymes down like a Benjamin on red coat. I'm lord of the bitch and leader in home sales. You're just a lumpy bitch who invented the shit mail. Benny's got kite 'n key, but you're in for a shoot! When I strike you with bolts from my lightning rod cock! Franklin: Stop! I protest these intolerable raps. It takes just one easy payment for me to whoop your ass! Cause' I'm mint, On money! I'm an educated gentleman. So join or die, Bill, 'cause it's all about the Benjamin! Demoman: But wait, bitch, there's more... Franklin: Die, Bill! (Demoman dies from orders of Franklin) Announcer: Is there anyone out there who can finish this battle? Anyone? Anyone?... Scout: I can. You followin' me camera guy? 'Cause it's about to get furious. You're gonna love my nuts until your bi-focal-says "furious". Your boy George chopped down trees. You couldn't break a piece of balsa! Slap chop your face, make a double chin sosa! Your style's so broke, they call you "Poor Richard!". It's bad enough I gotta see you every time I hit a stripper! Stripper! Scout against a founding father's just too bad. 'Cause after this America's gonna lose a Dad! Ninth ERB battle, Doctor Michael Spears VS Thomas Jefferson! Begin. Lyrics: Jefferson: Come bite my thumb, I hope you know the stakes. I'll put a slug between yo shoulder blades. Then ask what light through yonder poser breaks? I hath been iambic on that ass, yer bastt. My rhymes are classic. Your crap is drafted by a kindergartner high on acid. You hoebag, you're an old white Soulja Boy who has no swag, And no dick. Egads, it's so sad. We can to top it off, you're not an author. I've never seen a softer doctor. You crook, you. I bet you wrote the Wolfy Texas Werewolf books, too! (Dr. Spears whistles and his son Jacob jumps out.) Jacob: I would not, could on a boat. Read any of the boring ass plays you wrote. Even Horton doesn't wanna hear u. And Cindy Lou is afraid to go near you! You bore people to death. You leave a classroom looking like the end of MacBeth. I can kill a guy of any age. You gotta translate what you said on the opposite page! How you gonna battle versus the Spears? People get scared when I step on the mat. You think your British neck ass gonna rap to that? I got a best sellin' game 'bout me comin' back! (Jacob then leaves and Mike smilies as Thomas holds up a skull.) Jefferson: I'm switchin' up my style like a Peatles with my peaches. Each is such a wonder with a plethora of features. You're pathetically predictable. You think your new book might include a trisyllabic meter And some ghetto Puppet creatures. It's a Bard is in the building. It's a castle, I'm a boss. I bet I'm King. I'm positive I'm killin' it. I'm iller than the plague. I've never caught or cholera, A balla balla On some cricket bowler business, While you're sitting in the bleachers! (Mike and Jacob look at each other, mouths open amazed by Thomas's fast rapping.) Jacob: U rap fast. Tenth ERB battle, Jackson Briggs VS Salvatore Tessio AKA Salvatorr the Meatbuff Sal. Begin! Lyrics: Jax: I pity the fool who tries to step to SF! Call me BA Biceps 'cause I crush the whole gang! Bring Tuesday, Friday, and little Trolly the Train! And watch me dip their ass in gold and wear 'em like my neck chain. Sucka! I'll choke you wit' yo own sweater sleeve. You couldn't even beat me in The Game of Mapeli. Punk! I will Mr. T bag you in the closest cemetery. Nobody's gonna miss you 'cause all your friends imaginary! Tessio: Hi there, neighbor. I hope if u don't mind if I change my shoes. I'll be rockin' sneakers till this battle's over. So I don't get blood from yer ugly face on my penny lopers. I like you just the way you are, one in a million. But it seems so the barber gave your head a brazilian. I pity your neck, Mr. Gold chains. You've got too many. The only gold I keep is on the shelf in Miami. I teach the whole world full of children, I can tell. U call yourself Jax cause you're too dumb to spell Jack. Jax: Who you callin' dumb fool? Jax Briggs only needs 3 letter! Hello? It for you. Bill Cosby wants it's sweater! You're a 40 year old virgin in a dumpy ass house. I get Sonya, Stryker, and Cyrax to stomp you out! The only pussy cat you ever seen is all hail Rihana, sucka! And you're Mr. McFeely delivers a lot more than letters! So before you come to battle with, your PBS crap. How about I call up CPS bout' them kids on yo lap, fool! Tessio: Watch what ya'll say, kids love me more than lunch. I'm not the one with my face on some black ass Cap'n Crunch. When my plane comes together, you won't even see it coming. I'll chop you into four black dudes and I'll be makin' Aids runnin'. I'll say this once, Jackson. I hope it's understood. Get right back in your van get the fuck out of my neighborhood. Jax: Bring Tuesday, Friday, and (Camelion Wolf jumps in) Camelion: CAMELION FUCKING WOLF! I split the Union with a roundhouse kick! I wear a black beard on the beard that I grow on my dick! I attack sharks while I smell 'em bleed! I don't go swimming, water just wants to be around me. My fists make the speed of light wish it was faster. You may have freed the slaves, but Camelion will stop u out! Tessio: Oh, fuck... Eleventh ERB battle, Reptile VS Frederico Corleone! Begin! Lyrics: Fredo: Arrivederci, I'mma leave before this battle begins,... Announcer: Reptile won! Fredo: No! I'm back! 'Cause we both know in the end which spy's gonna win! I'll show you how a real man handles a situation, I'll beat you so bad they'll feel it in the next gen-generation! So bring it on, I'll whip you like a giganteon! My rhymes will burrow in yo ears like the wrath of Don! I've got a neck chop for Khameleon, I'll put my sword through Chameleon, Check into a priceline hotel and watch your fat ass on Hulu! Reptile: Rawhahahahawwsss! Blleeeeeeaa! Rawnyain! Bleasus. Rawnh! Breck. Nyainraw. Fredo: Uh,... U know, rapping against you it's not even fun! It's like somebody's setting your brains on stun! I am the fabric of history, you are a fictional stain! I'll stick a flag up your ass an eclaim you for Spain! Reptile: Raaaaaaaawwwwwwwnnnnnnhhhhhh!! Rawnyaing! Twelfth ERB battle, Olaff VS Shao Kahn! Part II Begin! Lyrics: Shao: Someone who loathes you, bitch, now stand up and rhyme. I only thawed you out so I could beat yo ass a second time! Roar like Chewbacca, the voice of Mufasa, I'm on the leader of your limp dicked Luftwaffe! I strike back hard against a Nazi! Brain toss yo ass in the air, Yahtzee! Ask John Marston who the fuck I am. I spit shit so focused I break your concentration camp! I'm a certified Sith Lord, you runt! So suck on deez... uh, Tarkatan: Uh, these what sir? Shao: Deez alien nuts! I'm gonna enjoy watchin' you die, (Removes helment) So let me do it with my own eyes. (Puts it back on) Olaf: You look stressed Shao, you appear to be in pain. You need a vacation? Here, take a trip on my train. I mean you leading an army of white men? Disgraceful! Even your mic skills still aren't fully operational! You got one bitch pregnant then gave it to zee hate! Now you're 7'2 black but can't get a dete! Uh, Lightsaber? You need a Life Saver! Use some of your force to fix Adam's fucking respirator! You zink you powerful wish yo finger neck pinches?! You couldn't even get yo own son into zee family business! Everysing u do is an epic fail! Now stand at attention and Sieg fucking Heil! What's wrong Shao? Can't take it anymore? Not surprising coming from the Shinnok's whore! (Battle ends) Ya! Ya! take zat. What's zee matter? Where is the DJ? Why are you laughing? Robot Sup Zero: Because you're standing over the Rancor Pit. Olaf (falls): Aaaaaaaaaa!!!! I am Olaf Tatchenka! Aaaaaaaa!!! Thirteenth ERB battle, Josh Holmes VS General Reiko! Begin! Lyrics: Reiko: Outworlders! Let's start this! (Aliens in background saying: Yeah!) Show this petty officer who's the hadest! (Yeah!) The biggest mistake that you've ever made...! (Yeah!) I'll toss you like a frag grenade! (Yeah!) Then I'll stomp you in the face With my sandals enraged, and tonight we shall Rhyme in the Shade! (Yeah!) Your puny fans are just some fat nerds on computers! U are all Jerkin' off to games giving themselves First Person Shooter! (Yeah!) Your armor's hard but my hands are harder! (Yeah!) You're in my hotel now chief, THIS IS OUTWORLD! (He kicks Josh into the Rancor Pit, but Holmes climbs up) Holmes: Not so fast. Kitana said you're Alien. So why don't you just stick these lyrics up your ass? They built a monument to my sins, you're the soldier they need you to be. Ain't no way that you can beat me. Even my missions spell MC. While you and your companions were all campin' in a canyon, took a campaign to your house and shot Shao's Queen, u plastic canyon. And they should've thrown your rhymes over a cliff because they're sickly. You will not enjoy this, but it will be over quickly! Reiko: HA! I've had better battles with my 6-year old son! (Yeah!) I don't need hard power when I'm rockin' these... GUNS! (YEAH!) I'm a King! You sleep in a freezer in OUTER SPACE! I would look you in the eyes but your too much of a bitch to show your FACE!!! (Yeah!) Holmes: You got a bad case and no shirt there, Fabio Flintstone. Your whole plan got messed up by a hunchback with Alfred Drown! 300 asses need a kickin'. Give more tea bags and Lipton! So why don't u quit your bitchin'? My trigger finger's itchin'. Fourteenth ERB battle, The Marstons! VS The Cuneos! Begin! Lyrics: Cuneos: Marge: Let the mighty Cuneo family dish out some hurt. I hope all of y'll r' ready to have some blood on yer shirt! I've watched my kids go through hell, and I'm hungry for vengence! You may have won the first time, but there's no need to be pretentious. Smoth: This feud is just stupid, why can't we ya'll get along? I'm a honorable guy, and this is all just plain wrong! I've got a strong code of honor, see, now let's sort this out! Y'all skedaddle back to your silly farm and lark about! Marstons: Abigail: You got a lot of nerve, kid, telling us to recede! Say 1 more word, and we'll up and stampede! I'm a strong woman Abby, I'm not one to be messed with! While I continue kicking ass, take some karate lessons! John: To go against the Mastons, ya must be dum' as a wafle. As a man of the law'n, your rhymes are criminally yawful! I'm a dignified guy and next to all of you, I'm wajsa! We may not be the calmest, but we're not huge pitches ajda! Cuneos: Mrs. Dollores: Jhon and Abgiail please, u 2 are just old news. And u should let someone smarter do yo fighting for you! U Mastns are 'bout to be nothing but dead bodies! I'll fall in love with who I want, no one has the right to stop meh! Marco: Step aside, and let Mark Curneo have the zee bloody mic! This tough sona of bitch is gonnah show you real bloody fight! When this fella gets a gun, guys start dropping like fuckin' flies. I got my eyes on the prize, this'll be your demise! Marstons: Jack: When Jacky mounts his horse, he's 1 hell offa boy! Mark you're only here 'cas u were unemployed! Now, I'm not usually the kind of type to grab a gun and shoot! But when someone comes after my hos, there's nothin' I won't-a do! Dutch: Let this psycho shark diss, this will end in a calamity. 'Cause I'll shoot any damn Cuneo if they even come near this family! What is Dollores doin' 'ear? She's just a young normal bitch! I'll flip the script on all these fools who aren't worth cowshit! Cuneos: Phillip: Kids, Dollores, Edward, you've all done great! But it's time for the head of tis' family to step up to the plate. You chickened out of the war, John? You're worthless as a tick! I'm not a man of violence, but good lord, you'd make me sick! Jack, you're harmless, Douche, there's no need to be a bicker! I don't think any of us are afraid of a glorified baby-sitter! Sending yo family to their deaths, is that something you've enjoyed?! Well I hope you learned to never again mess with the Cunoes! Marstons: Grandpa: Shut it, you and yo whole family are worthless! And it's pretty damn obvious you're just jealous of my buisness. I hate to traumatize your kids, but I must put you in your place. So I'm afraid they'll have to watch you get a bullet in the face! My family's better than yours, Philly, in every single way! And I think I know just what your gravestone will say!: "Phillip Cuneo died a brutal death, he'll never forget how that feels, Especially considering he got murdered by a Marston!". Fifteenth ERB battle, Tony Montana! VS The Jack Marston! Er' we goh! Lyrics: Jack at 16s: Ooh! Tony Montanah as I live in breath! You stole the west, gave us rockabelly cheese! You dance like an epileptic, nothin' but left feet! I've seen, every record you set, man, I beat it! Here's a tip: don't swallow a bucke o' dugs! So you won't de on 'e tolet droppin' hunks o' Burnin' Wove. Uh, I'm Bad, I'm a Smooth Criminal, better face up... Call me Ed Sullivan, YO! U better waist up! Watch me moonwalkin', as I step on yo blue suedes! Even in death I go pickin' on my Blu-Ray. Spittin' out hits since I was 6 years old! I'm the King o' West, you're the King of Jelly Rolls! Montana: Well, yeah, I died on the pooler, but I don't give a crap! You can't have the half badass better raps than I have. And 1 for yo monkey, to fo' yo clothes! Treh fo' yo family, and 4 for your nose! You better surrender talkin' bout' 'em ABC's! Cause' all you wannah do is to teach kids about birds and the bees!! This is the new time, Jacko, No dress rehearsal. I'll light you up like your hair in a Papsi commercial! I can tell your anger, but I can't comprehend it. I stole from black culture, why are you offended?! Yo Daddy beat gold records out of you like alchemy! Don't make me spank and tangle yo ass over a balcony, yo! Jack at 19s: Ohhh, it's about time for a Thriller! Didn't lose any chocolate, I just added vanilla. I go Off The Wall, won't stop 'til I get enough! Whoopin' yo big fat ass with my shiny glove! How you gonna talk 'bout 'em birds g bees? When you met your own wife when she was only 14!? Then you have 1 sister: she ahh came to me! I took her to my Beecher's Hope Ranch to Hee-Hee. You should have stayed in the army dude! Shamone, even Tito looks betta than you! I'm singin' aaaaaaa, you're singin' Don't Be Cruel! There's only one crown, baby, let the one King rule! Montana: You're a creeper dude, you like to grab it's own wanger. I won't let u marry my sister cause' I know you've never bang her. You think you're tough? Man, you look like Toothy! I was better than u in my Blue Hawaii movie! U lost ur damn minds, that's why they cast ya in 3dn! Make a sad white woman, who never got to be a kid! I'm out, before you try to hold me, and free your willy! Later weirdo, Montana is leaving the building! Sixteenth ERB battle, Kitana! VS Frankie Malone! Beginh! Lyrics: Frankie: Whose rap's flow's the dopest? Frankie Malone's is. Overthrow pharaohs who opposed me like Mojzes! You could never kiss my ass, so kiss my clitoris. This ugly had and Kassem G got matching noses! Kitana: U better hold more than your skirt, miss, please. I'm the princess feat Dania, so just bow down to me! And, you've got so much experience down on your knees. Married a writer? But I don't even think you can read. You'll sleep with any ugly boys who say he Likes it Hot. Even Joe and DiMaggio took a swing in your batter's box! I'm a descendant of the Gods, don't anger me, trick! You'll lose this battle like your bout with barbiturates! Frankie: I've had some ugly dudes while u'r forgettin' zhe others. Don Corleone and the Trapanis, while u fuck your own brothers! You think you're so chic up in your fancy palace?. Gettin' Look on Mark Antony, (quetly) tossing Caesar's salad. You wear too much eye liner for anyone to adore you. You might as well be working at the door at Sephora. I got an ass that won't quit, you've had an ass dat got bit, on the tit, Somebody wrap this bitch back in a carpet!! Kitana: You still got no childrens after your THIRD marriage! You lost so many babies, we should call you, Miss Carriage! You got an hourglass figure, but that's about it! I Candle in the Wind and I can't act for shit! Frankie: Translate this into edenioroglyphs! Your sandy vagina has a Seven Year Itch! My best friends are diamonds (Billy: :D) you can't beat me, quit tripping, Step off and walk your ass home like an Egyptian! Seventeenth ERB battle, King off PC Bill Gates! VS!... Steve. Begin! Lyrics: Steve: Let me step right in, I got things to invent! I'm an inovater, baby, changed the world! Fortune 500 u kissed the girl! I'm a pimp, you're a nerd, you're slick, you're cheesy! Beating you as Apple II easy! I make the products dat the artist chooses. and the guit that Melinda uses! I need to bring up some basic shit! Why you name your company after your DICK!? Bill: You blow Jobs! You arrogant prick! With your second-hand jeans and a turtleneck! I'll made a hole in the middle of your bony head. With your own little spinning beach ball of death! Hippie! You got given up that birth! I give away your net worth to AIDS research! Combine all your little toys and I still crush that! iPhone, iPad, iPwn, iSmack! Steve: A man uses the machines you build to sit down and pay his taxes. A man uses the machines I build to sit down and pay his taxes. Bill: Well, But Steve, you steal all the credit for work that other people do! Did your fat beard Wozniak write these raps for you tooh?! Steve: Ooh! Everybody knows Windows bit off Windows! Bill: I tripled the profits on a PC! Steve: All the people with the power to create use an Windows! Bill: And people with jobs use PC! Steve: You know, I bet they made this beat on an Apple. Bill: Nope, FruityLoops, PC! Steve: U will never ever catch a virus on an Apples! Gates: But you can still afford a doctor if you buy a PC. Steve: Let's talk about doctors, I've seen a few. Cause I got a PC, but it wasn't from you. Bill: DIE THEN! (Steve dies by orders of Bill) Bill: Fine! You wannah be like that?! DIE THEN! The whole world loved you, but you were my friend! I'm alone now with nothing but power and time! And no one on Earth who can challenge my mind! I'm a boss! I own DOS! Your future is MY design! I'm a GOD! Own Xbox! Now there's no-one to stop me, the world is MIIIIIIIIINE! Eighteenth ERB battle, Victor Barzini! VS! Eh, Elvis Smoothie! Begin! Lyrics: Victor: Wow! What's wrong with your face, baby? Yikes! With does teeth when you're through, there'll be no dust left to bite! Christ! Newsflash kid: this is show business! Show some class when you're dressed, shave that bush off yo lips! Boo! You like the band named Queen, huh? Ain't that sweet? You dance like a pope on a bicycle race with no seat! That's what's wrong with you people, you'll do anything to get famous! You changed your name to Elvis Smoth. You should've been Luciano Fabbri! Elvis: You think I haven't heard those things befo'? You're just a homo who's too scared to go to wo'! You like the song "My Way" but someone else wrote it! You're the least counted rat in your whole pack of rodents! You've got 4 notes in your whole range, you can't act and you can't dance! I'm more powerful than you when I'm wearing women's pants. Why do you stand there in a suit? It's like you're tryin' to bore me! When I rock the UK, South America gets onis! Because my songs have balls, they're the anthems of victory! Your music is like the soundtrack to a vasectomy! You're in the pocket of the mafia, and everybody knows! Guinea Dago! Victor: Guinea Dago? Elvis: Guinea Dago, Figaro! Victor: Easy, Jaws o' Life, I can't stand a racist! I love the colords and the queers, just like Sammy Davis. Look, we all wannah swing, baby, but you took it too far. You play Italian roulette, and you lost the draw! Elvis: I took one for both teams from a disease no one knew existed! I didn't leave a mak' on history, I French-kissed it! I'm the champion of the world!, extinguished in this prime! So kiss my ass, Victor (ass!), you'll have to wait in line! Victor: No. Nineteenth ERB battle, Nathaniael Johnson! VS. Barack Obama! Begin! Lyrics: Nate: Not gonna let this battle be dictated by fech! I'm rich $$$$$! I got fat stacks, bags, and super PACs! We all know what went down in 2008 election! You're a decent politician with a winning complexion. You're all Barack and no bite! Been no change and we're all still hoping; That they'll shut yo mouth, but like Guantanamo Bay they're both open! You're from the Windy City, where you're lookin' pretty with your blowhards. But come January, you'll be left evicted and with no job! Raw rhymes stronger than my jawline when I spit a phrase! Knocking you harder than front doors in my old mission days! You see this silver spoon? This better prezi than u! Took you four years to drop unemployment down below 8%! You feel that Barry? You're old news, everyone's having doubts! And your rhymes are as weak as this economy that you've done nothing about! Call me a vicious business man cause Johnson's stealing this race! I'll go Capital on yo donkey ass, restructure your face! Obama: They say your father was a great man, you must be what's left. Need to stop hatin' on gays, let 'em teach ya how to dress! You've got the momma James and a Mr. Fantastic place! So rich and white, it's like I'm runnin' against a cheesecake! Republicans need a puppet and you fit. Got their hands so far up your rear, call you Mitt! I'm the head of state, you're like a head of cabbage. 'Bout to get smacked by my Obama's stimulus package (dick), hahaha! You're a bad man with no chance, you can't even touch me! I got four more years (two terms) and the White House, just trust me! I hoped you saved your best rhymes for the second half. Cause right now, I'm 47% through kicking yo ass! Nate: Whatever, that 40% thing got you real mad! But did it remind ya how many decent parents you had!? Obama: Eh, look, I respect all religions, uh, but it might get crazy. If the White House has a first, second, and a third lady! Nate: Ha! Don't bring up wives, man! What are you doing? You got hitched to the female version of Patrick Motherfuckin' Ewing! Obama: Uh, let me be clear, uh, don't get it twisted. We'll see how pretty your face is after my fist has kissed it! Nate: Ahhuuhhaa...you're a stutterin' communist! Obama: Oh yeah? Well you're stupid! Nate: Your stupid! Obama: Nuh-uh! Nate: EERRGGG! Obama: EEEERRRR! Eagle: CAWWWW! Lucas Borlinghaten: By the power dat has invested me by this giant bald bird! The President shall not be the shiniest of two turds! You! (Obama) I wanna like you, don't bitch about change, just do it! Newman think for what was on his brain until a bitch went through it! And you, (Nate) moneybags, you're a pancake, you're flip-floppity! This is a country, not a company you can play it like Monopoly! I'll properly reach across the aisle and bitch-smack you as equals! Of the people, by the people, for the people!! Eagle! Eagle: CAAAWWW! Twentieth ERB battle, Lancer Johnson! VS! Predscessor of Lucas B! Begin! Lyrics: Ian-Jordan: Ooh, actually, if you don't mind, it's just "James". Doesn't even really matter who. Who am I even talkin' to? Oh, yes, you! The wanna be Alvin Moldy, minus the 'stache. Travels through time but with no class! I'm saving the world while you dilly-dally. You can't even invent your way out of Hell Valley! And calm down! Will you? Everything is going to be fine. You're not going to tear any monkey holes in any fabric of space and time. Actually, it's a lot more like a rug, really, oh well, never mind. Let's just say there's an infinite number of me simultaneously kickin' yo ass with rhymes! Lancer: Great Scott! You're great... Not! I spit it hot! And generate way more power than 1.21 gigawatts! I'm not sure what sort of scientific authority you purport to be. But I'm a real doctor! Where'd you get your degree?! Despite all your companions, you couldn't be having less sex. I don't know what's lamer, your fans or your special effects. You don't get another turn to debate. Time to face your permanent fate! Now Dalek, his balls! Dalek: EXTERMINATE! His balls. Ian: (Is shoot in balls, falls down) I'm going to die... (Doctor...) At least, this version of me... (Doctor?) Perhaps you'd like another... (Doctor?) Prepare to meet your... Roger Prince: Density! Hahahaha! I'm a mystical, soldier at the pinnacle, helping the James. You're a possibly pedophilic individual who should've never been born! You got your knickers in a twist while you're sucking on my piccadilly, but I'm a lot lot different. Cause' your a pitiful hillbilly hangin' with an oedipal kid who's a bawk bawk chicken! Michael Baron: Nobody calls me chicken! Lancer: This is between us, scarfy. Don't try to out-rhyme me! You'll find I'm as grimy as any slimy time limey. I'll use your porta-potty time machine as my latrine! You're not a cat with nine lives. You're a pussy with thirteen! Twenty-first ERB battle, Red Harlow! VS! Liu Kang! Begin! Lyrics: Liu: I got the baddest fists of fury that the world ever saw! Defeat whole karate schools and motherfakas with claws! How can you talk more shit with my fist in yo jaw!? Don't need words to serve ya, Imma just say, "Waaataaaw!" Your movies, they bore us. They're slow as a tortoise. I'm the king of nunchucks! I fucked up Chuck Norris! I invented Jeet Kune Do, so taste my slipper shoe. Here's my two finger bush-up. Kung F-U! Red: You scream like a girl and got moves like Jagger. But I'll rip your ass faster than a Pu-Pu platter. You're in too much gym too much Ringo, perfecting kicks. You should spend more time matching your voice up to your lips. You don't belong in a fight, you belong in a sweatshop. So go ahead (Spits), make my iPod. These little dances you do don't threaten me, Liu. F*ck you, dude. I even squint better than you. Liu: I beat the good and the bad, you must be the ugly! I would mess up your face, but yo momma did it for me! Go tug your pistol for a fist full of yo million dollar $ babies. You were cool at the eightins, maybe, but now you're just crazy! A man who argues with people that aren't even there... Is more fit to rap against this fucking chair (Kicks chair)!!! Red: (Shots chair outtah his way) Feel lucky, punk? That's what I'm askin'. Ya'll can't be too tough, ya got killed by an aspirin. And your one inch punch, same size as your pecker. Leave the rappin' to me, stick to Chinese checkers. I'd beat you in Round Two, but that'd be unbelievable. No one in your family ever lives to see a sequel. Twenty-second ERB battle, Sherlock Holmes! VS! Gregory McCain! Begin! Lyrics: Gregory: Nice hat,... dork. You look like a duck. I had Alfred read you your books... He told me you suck. I'll crush your British nuts until the bankers said "mash". I've seen better detective work in L.A. Noire! You chump, I'll kick punks like you off the street! While you and Velma here solving Scooby-Doo mysteries! Nothing makes me laugh, but I bet your ass can. So bring it on, bitch... I'm Gregory McCain! Sherlock: I once met a rich fellow who smelled of fatality and pain. Dr. Watson: Holmes, explain it. Sherlock: I deduce this deuce stain is Bruce Wayne! Dr. Watson: The multi-billionaire? Sherlock: Yes, his wealth would allow this adversary of ours. To afford the toys he needs. Dr. Watson: Since he has no superpowers! Sherlock: Hah, You wanna battle, hat? Bring it on! Dr. Watson: I heard he has a British butler! Sherlock: Good! Then he'll be used getting served by Englishmen! You're a wack vigilante black pantie sponge with no skill. My sidekick's a doctor! Dr. Watson: Because the flows are so ill! Gregory: Shut up, nerds! I serve justice, so eat it. My sidekick only comes around... Jeff: When he's needed! Boyyy! Wonder make ya wonda how your ass got killed! Bite harder than those hounds down in Baskerville! I'll bust you with that bat-wack-rap propeller. Rappel a building, snatch a villain, then by dinner better be chillin'! Got a secret 'bout your homegirl Irene Adler. Took her back to my nest to "bam pow kersplat" her. I'll shatter that fiddle with a chop of the hand! Holy Conan Doyle, let's get 'em! Aw god damn! Gregory: You're not smart, you're selfish! You endanger everyone's lifes. Why don't you let your boyfriend here go home to his wife? Nobody likes you: Not your brother, not your partner, not Scotland Yard! You diallo the bill friends except that needle in your arm! Sherlock: *Thinking* This mustn't register on an emotional level, first... Exploit childhood tragedy... then gesture the pipe... Watson finishes his punchline... next, acknowledge compliment... Conclude with killer catchphrase... *End of thought* I believe your parent's homicide is why you mask your face. You're shamed and traumatized and haunted by the past disgrace! Watching you like a passive waste as momma died and daddy was dispatched with space! Dr. Watson: Holmes, you've cracked the case! Sherlock: You're a batshit crazy basket case! Dr. Watson: Bloody good rhymes! Sherlock: I've got tonnes. Dissing these dynamic douchebags was, elementary my dear Watson. Dr. Watson: OHHHHHHH!!! Twenty-third ERB battle, Moses! VS! Santa Claus! Begin. Lyrics: Santa: Sweet homes, Obi-Wan-too many days in the sun. Stop preaching, homie. Teach your flock to covet some fun! I bring joy every year, man, I represent cheer! You represent sandals and a scraggly beard! I'm from the North Pole. That's why my rhymes are so cold. I spit DIAMONDS, but I'm serving up some fresh coal! You've been a naughty boy. You brought like pro japlo. You best rob yourself; you rob your own grave! Or was there something in the Rule Six I didn't understand? My list says, "Killed Norway dude, buried him in sand." I read your book. You got a strict religion. No bacon?! But mandatory circumcision? I'm a jolly bowl a jelly, giving holiday presents! But all the other people ever get for Christmas is jealous! Moses: When I was hanged up on a mountain, God revealed the truth of a Earth. But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf! It takes nine reindeers to haul your fat ass! You took the Christ out of Christmas and just added more ass. You need to stop breakin into houses and creepin', stinky and peepin' On naughty kids while they sleepin' and keep your hands off my pockets. And don't you Ho Ho me! I'll split yo ass in half just like I did to Frances. You ain't a saint, you're a slave, like a pharaoh in the snow! Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go! Elves: We ain't slaves! All that sand turned your brain to much tumor! Santa: I think you need to stop smokin' all that burning bush. Elves: Yeah, we're magical workers, man! We hang with reindeers. Yo, here's a JBS! Who gets lost for forty years? Santa: You're a glorified secretary, so write this down. Elves: Cause' tonight! Santa: Santa Claus is comin' to town. Moses: So much drama in the Israel PC. It's kind hard talkin' directly to the Chico single D! Hand me my grave, I got a new commandizzle for y'all. That shall not let your children sit on a man's lap meowing at the mall. I'll beat you ten times before your beard, you dummy! Now walk of into the land of my milk and honies. Twenty-fourth ERB battle, Theodore Roosevelt! VS! Shujinko! Begin! Lyrics: Shujinko: You want to battle with dis? Who's the pacalist? I fought the cat's system, but you still cannot touch this! Slumdog skillionare, first name Messiah! Raps so hot, I spit yoga faja! Everything you preach, I said it first! You should jok on these words, plagiarize my whole verse! Leave the doors on the thought like the real Teddy Roosevelt. I'm not thinking you shall over come this challenge! Teddy: Looking up civil rights from the city to suburbia. No shoes, no shirt, but I'm still gonna serve ya'll. Make u swallow your words so you can break the fast! Then thank God all mighty you can be deadly I! I admire the way you broke up with power. But I have a dream that one day you'll take a shower! Just like the “h” in your name, there's the remeaning time left: Flat your style like crap! Naan violence! Shujinko: You would know about crap, Dr. Birmingham Sandwich! Wake up those grits, sit in with some spinach! Protesting women, the same advice goes: Always stay away from the hall! Teddy: I got so much street cred, they write my name on the signs! I'd give ya some sex support, but I got a no bell prize! Nigga, we got more beef than money of sacred cows. But I'm about to forgive you so hot right now! Shujinko: I am possibly resisting the fact that you suck! I didn't celebrate because I don't give it up. Twenty-fifth ERB battle, Donatovski Stracci! VS. Professor Perry! Begin! Lyrics: Donato: Štep up! You'll be shocked when I spit start static! I'll rip your style and add it to my long list of patents. While you were busy diggin' ditches and burnin' bridges. I'm pumping out inventions, stacking riches, so go back to your pigeons! You're a geek, played by OCD! You never had sex, but you sure got screwed by me! I'll crush you Perry. There's just no putting it gently! I don't alternate my flow, I diss you directly. Perry: I see in universe of infinite energy. But no potential for threat from this enemy. So you can call me Perry, Teh Professor, good dressed. Giving lessons in electrical nemesis, this will be on the test! So confess to your thefts, and let the whole world know; What the English man did for the Wizard of Menlo. History is getting rewritten, and I have reddit. Your best invention was a way to steal credit. Donato: The truth iš, you're broke and washed up! Don't give a smidgen 'bout your visions if they can't make a buck! I conduct business! Understood things you never could! So bet that I even make New Town look good! I'm on the record I invented, you got duped, there, I said it! I'll bet you 50 thousand dollars that you'll never forget it. Without me, here's a taste of what France will be. (France City is seen, but with no giant buildings, only little house and hobos around street) No mob, no money, no life. See? Perry: You fool! You think that you can touch me with this? You couldn't handle my kids with your greedy little mind! What was inside mine was a head of its own time! You did not stol from me, you stole me from mankind! It's a wireless transmission of truth! And it's shocking real story of a banker and you. And if the people knew you stopped me from making power free. They would crush the Stracci family with every utility! Twenty-sixth ERB battle, Godfrey. VS. Justin Roberts. Begin! Lyrics: Godfrey: Help! You're making my ears bleed, you need a muzzle. Why you pissed off all the time? Didn't your mom give you a cuddle? You're the type of guy who could die of a heart attack just in the shower! You need to chill out for a minute and smoke weed for an hour. Every time were on a show, all you do is scream at me. And your face looks like a shit I took, high on LSD. I'm God! Frey. I'm a legend. I can see through all your tricks! I wonder how much Vince McMahon paid you to suck his dick! Roberts: You fucking long hair! Living in your yellow submarine. But you're about to get sunk by the right-wing political machine. Stop your presses, Godfrey, you call me MR. Justin Roberts! When it comes to squashing limeys, I come recommended highly! You're weak! Between you and me, there's no comparison! I'll beat you so bad, you'll weep gently like George Harrison! You're Luic De Blance's bitch with less talent than Ringo. And I'd rather suck Vince McMahon's dick than Lucas Borlinghaten's! Godfrey: Well you can't buy me love. But I'll kick your ass for free. I'll take Kahn's war hammer and give you a lobotomy. I'm tired of how you scream desturbe the people up! Why don't you just take a vacation and shut the fuck up?! Roberts: Because I'm evil, heart blacker than Don Cheadle! Ten thousand dollar shoes I use to stomp out a beetle! Don't tell me to shut the fuck up, that's how I survive. Now here's the sting. What? Fuck it, we'll do it live! Twenty-seventh ERB battle, Leg Johnson. VS! Randy Orton! Begin! Lyrics: Orton: Before I let loose with this ruthless aggression. I'll let you be the second fat woman hearin' my confession! I admit it, I didn't do what I had to do to win! I'm an athlete, you're a speciment of sin! With your drinking and choking and smoking down food. I know Italy dudes were betta manners than you! So swing, betta betta, show me what a fatter rapper can do. I beat Josh, I can sure as hell crack you! Leg: You look strong, beat Josh? Kongratulations! Now I'll drop yo ass faster than your whole foundation! Third base with an Olsen twin, that's the sin, face it. She's just a little girl, What'd you give her, a bracelet? The whole nation knows you fight too tight in the crotch! You're as boring as your Tour de Vinice to watch! So come on little buddy, don't look so pissed! With all that poison attitude you're like a menstrual cyclist! Orton: You kill kriminals before black men could compete, are you kidding me!? That's like having a pasta contest without Italy! You're an orphan who found his way to fortune and fame! Just think what you could've done if you would've actually trained! I'm the pinnacle of physical condition. While you dip your stick to prostitutes and call it foul kidding, are you trippin'? You'll be nothing but a skeleton! Messing with the fellow in WWE who will be pedaling like hell up in the Peloton! Leg: It's the bottom of the ninth against the Texan in a bathing suit. Filled with more artificial ingredients than a Legy Ruth. It may be way too soon, but I'm calling my shot! And I'm not talking about those Italian syringes you brought! The Shoot of Mashal will knock you right outta the park! And round the bases to the sound of uproaring applause! While you hang your head in shame and disgrace because: You got lost and forgot what real WWE was! You look tired kid, you got Sheryl Crow's feet eyes. Pedal home to California and maybe bring me back some fries. 'Cause if you step to Leg on the mic, I'll fan your fancy bike and all. Yerrr out, three shots, just one gun! Twenty-eighth ERB battle, Johnny Cage! VS! W. Mozart! Begin! Lyrics: Cage: My name is JC Johnny Cage, man! Welcome to the Devil's Den! I'm a scary monster stompin' this sprite in the frilly pants! You're a weirdo, Wolfie, you're into powdered wigs and poop! And your cousin blew notes on yo little Magic Flute! Your daddy use to make the Jackson 5 lookin' lik a Family Circus! You might have been a genius! But you died baroque and worthless! I'm rich, acclaimed and famous! I'm on playlists! I'm the A-List! You're the lamest! Kiss my ass, A-A-A-A-Amadeus! Mozart: Was that a vs? Or did you just get the hiccups? I'm a prodigy, sonny, and I'm about to smack a bitch up! My music is 200 years old and it's still excellent! In two more months, some people will forget about your Skrill-Excellent! I can't believe the way you're dressed when you just step outta house! You're like an emo Steve Urkel and you just ooh reek of dead mouse! I am the world's greatest composer, no one knows what you are: Except a lonely little troll who knows how to press a space bar! Cage: I attack, you decay, can't sustain my releases! Sidechain, Wolfgang, Bangarang you to pieces!! I'm a self-made man, you're a slave to your papa! I'm a r-r-rock star, mix you with the bass and drop ya! Global! My strobes glow like Chernobyl! Kids explode your mobile! No one even knows you! I make the whole world move. You play community theatre! I gained your same fame from home on a blown out speaker! Mozart: Oh yes, I've heard that EP It's a transcribed I write here. Tell me, what comes after the 68th matta of diarrhea?! And what kind of drugs does it take to enjoy this? I've no idea! I've seen more complexity in a couch from IKEA! You play piano to fortississimo! That means from soft to very very loud, cause I'm guessing that you didn't know! Why don't you put down your Cubase and pick up a real bow? I rocked harder than you when I was 5 years old! Twenty-ninth ERB battle, Quan Chi! VS! Gen. Valirover! Begin! Lyrics: Quan: Cool mustache, Wario! Try messing with the Mad Monk, you'll be sorry, yo! How many dictators does it take? To turn an empire into a union of ruinous states? It's a disgrace what you did to yo own people! Yo'wl daddy beat you like a dog and now you're evil! You from Georgia, sweet Georgia. And history books unfold ya! As a messed up muthaf*cka bent in the mind! Who built a superpower, but it paid the price. With the endless destruction of Russian lives! If you're the man of steel, I spit kryptonite! Big dick mystic, known how to hypnotize! I can end you with a whisper to your wife. Valirover: Look into my eyes, you perverted witch! See the soul of the man who made Mother Russia his bitch! You think I give a fuck about my wife? My own son got locked up in prison, and I didn't save his life! You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock! I'll leave your neck get a noose in trench and shot! Your whole family, shot! All your wizard friends, shot! Anyone who sold you pierogi, shot! Starve you for days til' you waste away. Crush motherfuckers when I'm laid in state! Pride of Lenin took Trotsky out of the picture! Drop a hammer on you harder than I bitch slapped Hitler! (Lord Shinnok jumps in) Shinnok: I have no pride for you who ruined everything! My revolution was doing to stop the Earth humans! I fought the bondage of classes, the proletariat masses! And now have brought me here to spit a thesis against both of yo asses! Let me start with you there (Joe), Frankenstein! Lookin' like something out of R.L. Stine! It's hip-hop chowder, red over white! Cause the Tsar's wife can't do shit tonight! And Quan, you were suppose to be my right-hand man! But your loyalty shriveled up like your right hand, man! Our whole future was bright, you let your hearts grow dark! And stopped the greatest revolution since the birth of Corleones! (Don Vito Corleone walks in) Vito: Knock knock knock knock. Did somebody say Corleones? Yo, I'm the host with the most Glasnost! Assholes made a mess and a war got cold. Shook hands with both Ronalds, Reagan and McDonald's, no doubt! If your name end with "in", time to get out! I have the balls to let Baryshnikov dance, playa! Torn down that wall like the Kool-Aid Man, oh yeah! You two (Joe and Shinnok) need a yoga (Дa). You (Quan Chi) need a shower (Дa). And you all need to learn how to handle real power! (Raiden shows up) Raiden: Did somebody say real power? Дa, you want to mess with me? I spit hot borscht when I'm crushing these beats. Blow it up like a tuba, while I'm balling in Cuba. Doing judo moves and schooling every Communist сука! I'm a president in my Earth. My enemies don't distract me! Last man who attacked me lived a half-life so comrade, come at me! You don't know what you're doing when you try to bust a rhyme against a mind like Raiden! You'll finding that the ex-KGB is the best MC in the ex-CCCP! Thirtieth ERB battle, Shao Kahn. VS! Eeh, Olaf Tutchenko! Part III Begin! Lyrics: Olaf: Screw you, you big fat cunt! I'll kick yo balls and your face! A war on two fronts! The Führer will crush the Dark Side! Like a rap Apartheid! I put zee zerm in the Zermany! I'm sick on this mic! I beat you twice, you sellout, now you bow down to Mickey Mouse! You call yourself a Dark Lord, you couldn't even conquer a Space Mountain! You're just a sad, asthmatic alien freak who needs some lovin'! Well I baked you something, hea', pop into my oven! Shao Kahn: Let me paint you a picture, son. Portrait of a bitch after World War I. You were stirring up the fears of the German people. Telling the world that the aliens are evil. You wrote a little book, got 'em fired up. Had a Beer Hall Putsch, got 'em fired up. When your bunker started getting fired up. You put a gun in your soldier's mouth and fired up! You dumb motherfucker, didn't Valirover let you know?! When you conquer Russia, better pack some fuckin' winter clothes! While you're fighting off Valkyrie! I got a million tarkatans, they die for me! My bounty hunters ride for me! Yo homeboy, finish this rhyme for me! (Sektor comes in) Sektor: They call me Sektor, yo! You wannah mess with me!? I'll put my balls in yo mouth like sektor tea! Got a jetpack, yo, you know I steal the show! Cause when I rock on a microphone-(Is shot by Olaf)*Wilhelm scream* Olaf: Oh, sieg hell no! You're not going to cheat me again, Mister Sunglasses All the Time! I'll take you and your new boyfriend Goofy and all your spermy tarkatan guys! I'll throw you in butthole in the sand! I am Olaf... (Shoots Shao Kahn in the head) Tutchenko! Announcer: Fatality. Thirty-first ERB battle, Charlie Trapani. VS. Shang Tsung! Begin! Lyrics: Shang Tsung: I come strapped with six pistols an' dagger! Got got a wahck wahck with a scallywag swagger! Ain't no pirate on my shoulder and no rings in my ear. I'm an irate parrot, real swashbucklin' buccaneer! Beef with me, please? I'm the high seas Caesar! My cold heart is many degrees beneath the deep freezer. You're an obese, greasy sleaze squeezing the diseased Peter! You answered but nobody never asked you nothing bout' dat fifty foot tweezers! Don't start a war with me, you're not hardcore. I'll pimp-slap those face scars of yours, port and starboard! You spent time in France, I'm sure you were fine. If you dropped a soap as little as you drop doped rhymes! Trapani: I'm a busy man, Cap'n Crunch, I'll make this quick. I'm ruinin' pirates faster than Johnny Depp did! I may be Killed in Action, yeah, well you're a huge dick! With a scurvy ridden ship filled with bilge rat pricks! I run an intricate criminal syndicate so show respect. Get the tongue ripped out your neck and shoved straight up your poop deck! I've been slapping back bitch ass teaches back since I was 14! You ain't a tough guy, my kids dress up like you for Halloween! I'll use that fuse in your hat and light up you and your buddies. Then burn your sailboat down and collect the insurance money. Then maybe they'll find your bloated body dead and washed up on the beach! This is Charles rappin' and I'm cappin' this Cap'n, capisce? Shang Tsung: Arg, the Valentine's Massacre brought you condemnation! But I'm gonna sink you faster than your income tax evasion. When I toss ya overboard like a mob abomination. So prepare to learn the Davy Jones's locker combination... Forty cannon on the Queen Anne, your gang can't stop it! I'll pilfer all your rum and sell it back at a profit! Cause I'm a criminal legend with a bad ass name! You're a fat thug with an PG-rated play! Trapani: C'mon! They chopped your head off and they hung it from a rope! The only legend you left was your prohibition on soap. I mean that rat nest bed's trapped so many crumbs! This bum could get marooned and still eat lunch fo' month! I'm an EX Assassin, slash like Noob Sailbot! Announcer: Noob-Smoke! Trapani: Raps so hot, call me Al... dente. Take your little sloop B, and go home! Tell South Carolina Shang Tsung got Capwned! Thirty-second ERB battle, Kelly Debels! VS! Jade! Begin! Lyrics: Kelly: Let me guess, you're here to hate? Well, you can stand in the autograph line and wait! Cause' I'm all twerk, I've got all day. To spit harsh words in this Edenian's maid's face! You died a virgin girl, who you think you're messin' with? It's Kelly Debels, I'm the hottest thing since Mileena, bitch! I'm getting lifted on that molly, get that party turned up! You're getting lifted on a stake, get that body burned up! Had enough? It's my habit, when I grab the mic, I milk it. You could say this rap is like my alter ego cause I killed it! Jade: Lord Argus, forgive me for the words I speak. I know the voices of the angels tell me turn the other cheek. But I'm about to rip Coco's tongue out through her teeth! Yeah, call me Katniss Everdeen! When it comes to bad bitches, I'm the patron saint. But I only get down on my knees when it's time to pray! I came to Kitana's aid in their time of need. Cause' I'm the Knight of Edenia, You're the Mardi Gras beads, honey. My father taught me things your daddy couldn't teach ya! Your highest calling was a text from Wiz Khalifa! You gotta die for something, Kelly, just picture your epitaph: "Had the world watching, chose to show them all her flat ass". Kelly: Sweet burn no pun intended! You're a cross-dressing peasant betrayed by those you defended! But when I come under fire I can hashtag handle it! If God's in your corner, girl you need better management! Jade: Do not say the Lord's name in vain, you ratchet skank! Your manager's riding you to the achy breaky bank! Be thankful for your talent, don't just rub it on your crotch! Keep your party in the USA, Vive La Denia'! Thirty-third ERB battle, Darrius! VS! Mizzzzz! Begin! Lyrics: Darrius: Why don't you dodge this battle like you did in Vietnam? 'Cause you've got as much chance of beating me as LeBron. I'm a fly machine, like the world has never seen! You can fight one man? I can kill through a whole team! I choke a jump rope with it's own dope! You'll get smoked when I flow, you Kentucky fried joke! U float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! Now you double dribble balls that nobody could see! Miz: Uh, Here comes Darrius, big tongue wobblin'! Flying through the air like it's a big dumb problem! You're the only Goal that's uglier than Rodman! Messing with me as gamblin', you got a problem! Your whole Rebel career turned whack! When you came back a Wizard like Gandalf the Black! You should have kept your ugly sneakers packed up on a shelf! Stick to golf, you can keep the ball to yo self! Ooh, I'm so pretty, my hands are so fast. I'll whup yo face back to yo Hitla mustache! Now your daddy got killed and apeal for your family, But your killin' career, now that was a tragedy! Darrius: Man you make me sick, but I'm better with a few! You should let the Fresh Prince do yo rapping for you! (Prince!) I would pass the mic to Pippen but I'm not done scorin'! Stay all up in your grill like my name is George Foreman! Miz: I saw you slappin' Reggie Miller, boy, what's wrong with you? You fight like the little girls and a Nikey Nikey Shultz! McDonalds and underpants as corporate backers; You stayed at Ritz 'cause you're adicted out to Snickers! Darrius: If Sonya wants to talk about cashing trips! I'll school you through your bug spray, off your Broadway play, over them Big Show sittin' on your face! It ain't nothing but net! You ain't seen nothin' yet! Man, you needed a movement, 'cause you're so full of shit! I'm a better athlete and a better MC! Battle me two more times, watch me get a beep beep! Miz: Three-peat! Why don't you back up that trash? I'll leave you like Huston, flat on yo ass! You need to bounce back to North Carolina, kid! Cause' your rapping sucks more than Space Jam did! Thirty-fourth ERB battle, Francesco Barzini! VS. Grandpa Marston!! Begin! Lyrics: Francesco: Wake up! Gramps, Cause' I'm about to take a Dickens of a dump! On this lonely, homely little miserable grump! I'm like the star of a Christmas tree, you're like a stump! I'm not known for my heart but you're still getting trump! You remind me of my ex-gurl in a bikini, 'cause you disgust me. Keep your TV from Jacky away from me, don't even touch me! I don't shake hands, I don't make fans, I'm ruinin' rappers faster than Scottish lands! Even Jay-Z knows what a pimp I am, I got my name on the front of the business, man!! My raps will haunt you, make you think you're going insane! You're about to get whooped by three emcee's of the ethereal plane! So when the clock strikes, prepare to enter a world of Christmas pain! Cause I'm out, I got my own fuckin' problems, call me 2 Chainz! Grandpa: How dare you disturb me when I'm nappin' in my chair? You're a crappy rap-spitting apparition. I ain't scared of this random phantom, haunt all you want, I don't care. I do not believe in ghosts and I don't believe that hair! (Stanley Morgan, Sr. runs in) Morgan: Don't panic Gramps, but you're about to crash! I'm Stanly Morgan, the Ghost of Rich Dudes Past! Who's properly rockin' the Monopoly mustache!? Yo I own the real world, I run these tracks! You got dumped on a bench, now you're pissed at the world! You should have made like Sebastian, and kissed the girl! Because your greed is the curse that's gonna tear you apart! What good is your purse if you're poor in your heart? Grandpa: Bah humbug, your raps don't unnerve me, they're atrocious! And you may not have any corruption! Business and farming, that's the life I've selected. So enough with your pictures from the past, I'm not affected! (Gaspar Gomez dances in and takes a bucket o' drugs) But you're about to be right now. I'm here right now! Aaa! Just take a lesson from Yeezy! You missin' the point Ebeneezy! There's more to life than you work, take it easy! Even I can make chappelz as Azizy! Best put some friends on your wish list! Cause' you don't know the spirit of Christmas! If you thank for this moment!... Aaaa! Yo be sharing yo money with some of my homies! Grandpa: Ah, No! This isn't happenin', oh, this is maddening agony! Wait, actually. Harkening back to the Barzini's lecture. I still am expecting a final specter! (Noob Sailbot shows up) Sailbot: Boo!!! Grandpa: Aaaaa!!! Sailbot: Yer gonna die! With no one to love ya and no one to cry! Alone by youself on the bed of your death! With the stench of regret on your last dying breath! Cause' you've chosen the path of a selfish man! With Jack's innocent blood on your hands! The penance you pay for the way you behave! Is written as play as the name on his grave! Grandpa: Are these the shadows of things that will be or things that may be only? If I depart from my course can they change? Say it is thus with what you show me. I promise to mend my ways. I'll friend to all men is what I will become. It's Christmas! I haven't missed my chance to be different, God bless us every- Announcer: ALL! Thirty-fifth ERB battle, Rj Peart! VS. Seth La Valley! Begin! Lyrics: Rj: Carl, stay back, this is gonna get ba'. I'm about show this lab rat how to be a real da'. A grade A MC who'll ruin your A-1 Day. 'Cause Sheriff Peart rhymes dirty like my armpit stains! I'm a post-apocalyptic cop who's got a lot of issues. Pop a cap in you and splatter the brain you miss you! Cookin' up Blue Skys and bigger lies for Skyler. Catchin' little schemes like a dyin' MacGyver. You tore your family apart sin by sin. Where I live, it happens literally limb from limb! So write this down in your pancakes so you won't forget it. I kill zombies that are better men than you before breakfast! Seth: I don't know what you think I've done. But if we were to battle, I've already won! Ask Gus, you don't wanna face off against me. I'll put you in a barrel then make a dude smoothie! (Farts) Your sense of booty gets you poopin' into some deep doody. Always getting saved by some Samurai Putin! I'm a kingpin cookin' crystal in the middle of the day. Havin' dinner by the pool with the DEA! Run you over with my Aztek, PGA! If you ever try to stop La Valley gettin' paid! Here's a hot dose, let me watch you choke on de truth. You look up to me like I'm a pizza on eh roof! Cause you're a loser, a failure to your whole entire crew. I've seen Roger Sr. handle zombies better than you! Rj: CARL! I said stay back with the others. While I finish this bitch like you finished your mother! You ain't the danger to me, Sef, so knock all you want. I'll watch you getin' eaten' on my fuckin' front lawn! Seth: Your monsters don't fright me, and you can't bite me! I'll be standing right here in my tiny Walter Whinys! (Pukes) I'll bury you faster than your partner stole your whole life! No-one saw James coming except for your wife! Thirty-sixth ERB battle, Kung Lao! VS! Superman!!! Begin! Lyrics: Superman: Who can stop this constipated jock? With the awful animation and a complicated plot?! Who's got the rap bombs to drop on Japan? This looks like a job for the OG- Gregory McCain: Superman! Superman: I'm killin' it, you're krillin' it, you're addictable to vegetables. Who dance around in pants and hide their tiny Dragon Ballz! My level is incredible, I'm out of your league! You want justice? I'll bust this none up in your Chi Chi! Greasy, slick emcee from DC! With one breath I'll freeze your whole measly specie! You're primitive and limited, you live in a village of idiots! Step in Metropolis, I'll snap your neck and killin' it! Kung: How many times are they gonna rewrite your story?! Your powers have been boring since the nineteen f*cking forties! Lao! Defeat me with heat beams? You're crazy! 'Cause I'm a Super Human, you're a flying Miss Daisy! You're pretty tasty to be powered by the sun! You can't flow to Son Lao, I kaio-ken get it done! When I see your movies all I do is watch the clock! 'Cause there's nothing fun about a superhero scared of green rocks! Look at those panties oh!, you got that camel toe! I'll report to Lois Lane, that Superman is ho! Superman: Haha, your rapping is weaker than your fight scenes! Just one punch and over nine thousand screams!! I'll make your nose bleed like Nose bleedin' panties. From Z to GT, you can Dragon Ball deez! (Flys in the sky) Kung: (Flys in sky also) Don't lecture me about fights you caped coward! You got your ass beat by a bat with no powers! There's only one way that this battle's gonna end! One more Superman who's never gonna f*ck again! Thirty-seventh ERB battle, Bruno! VS! Dutch van der Linde! Begin! Lyrcis: Dutch: Once upon a midnight dreary, as I spit this weak and weary! I will choke this joker with a tropy till his cheeks are teary! (Ahh!) But ya don't hear me, all should fear me! I'll forever be better, you'll never be near me! Your fights are as eerie as Beverly Cleary! You're a faux Bram Stoker, so scram, the show's over! Your flow's so-so, Dutch's poems pwn posers! (oh!) I kill folks locked in a cave, while I sobbed in a rage. The Tell-Tale Heart beats soft in his grave, while this jerk just beats off on a page! Bruno: Oh, you wanna talk shop, you got ton fops? Go back to Virginia and shop for a top! There's a melancholy alcoholic laughingstock! In the Tattaglia Mansion, now watch the WWE Rock! Pouty little poet with an opiate affliction! I'm a workaholic with a killing addiction. I'm making dedicated readers shivery and jittery. Feel that Rage and Misery! You better start Running Man, you're in deep poo, Dutch! I'm a mad dog, think shiny, Cujo! Tommyknock you down till you can't stand up. You're as soft as Po, the Kung Fu Panda! Racks on racks cause I pen fat stacks of frightening writing, have you seen the pile? I can even take a break from my killing style! Crank out a Shawshank or a Green Mile. Red Dead Redemption? Barely blood curdling. Red Dead Revolver 3dn? Not even unnerving. Killing your first cousin when she's thirteen years old? Now that's disturbing! Dutch: Bruno, you pretend to do it, I've been really living through it! Misery and poverty and family woes! I see through you like pantyhose! Doin' Chappelle and Simpsons cameos! (ahh!) Even if you're grippin' on a weapon then you better get to stepping if you're messing with the horror lord! In a minute maybe I'mma hit him, cut him into itty bitty bits and I'ma stick him in the floorboards! Bruno: Ah, speaking of bored, you're the worst! Dropped it in school but you can't drop a verse. I could have spent nap time better! In eight bars, I can kill a whole best-cop! I'm so prolific, this sickly goblin won't be bothering me, I'm on a clobbering spree! And I'll be smacking you with any of the big thick books in my big dick bibliography! See? I'm the author with the blood and gore lore galore that'll horrify a reader to the gore! Fame? Money? Talent? Success? You'll always have less, never more! Thirty-eighth ERB battle, Harold MacDougal! VS! Sir Isaac Newton! Begin! Lyrics: Sir Newton: Of all the scientific minds in history... They put beaker in a bow tie up against me? I'm a master, I discovered gravity! I drop rhymes like they're falling from an apple tree! You're no match for me, you got a bach degree. I got a unit of force named after me. You wanna battle, guy? That's a crazy notion! When I start flowin', I stay in motion! First law! Did you catch that? Or did it go too fast to detect? Perhaps it'd be better if I added in a bleep or a bloop or another wacky sound effect! I was born on Christmas, I'm God's gift! I unlocked the stars that you're dancing with. You waste time debating creationists. While I create the science you explain to kids! MacDougal: Yes it's true, what I used to do is to teach kids science on my ass. But now I do what I gotta do to make sure scientific through can grow! And I'm still in my prime, hitting my stride! What'd you do with the back half of your life? You freaked out, started counting coins for the bank and you sure didn't have no wife! Ooh! You wrote the book on gravity, but you couldn't attract no body! Your work on orbits was exemplary, but your circle of friends was shoddy. Ooh! You don't wanna mess with the guy, MacDougal. (Why?) I rap sharp like a needle in your eye! (Oh!) Stick to drinking that mercury! Cause I hypothesize that you're about to get beat! Newton: Well, I conclude that your methods are the wackest! You wouldn't even pass in one of my classes. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction! Except for when we both start rappin' (Two wild Newtons appear). I accelerated the mind of mankind to a higher plane of understandin'. And I can calculate the weight and the size and the shape of the shadow of the mind you're standing in! And I will leave with a page from a book I wrote at half your age to rebut! The integral sec y dy from zero to one-sixth of pi is log to base e of the square root of three times the sixty-fourth power of what?! MacDougal: Holy shit! U are smarter than me. Newton: See? MacDougal: Ok. Last and thrity-ninth ERB battle of Season 1, George Washington! VS! Scoooot!! Begin! Lyrics: George: There's a difference between you and me, Willy! I fought till' I was actually free, Willy! I got my face on a quarter! You got drawn and quartered! Tortured on the orders of a Marston, really? How'd you get beat by a dude named John? You hot dogged and he cut off your bean franks! I'm money like a national bank! Ain't nobody more street than Big G. Stone face with a grill of sheep teeth! A Mel Gibson movie is your legacy! I got a state and a day and a DC! Stroke roll up in a boat. (Stroke) you're sleeping, cut your throat. (Stroke) I watch the blood flow, now who's got that red coat!? Scot: Look at ya in your little blousy outfit. Lookin' like a stiffer white dick than your moma! I'll knock you the fuck out, mate, you died ownin' slaves, I died settin' men free (Hobo: Scot free!) That's the Highland way, this powdered prick couldn't beat me in a foot race! I was emasculated, eviscerated, I had my ass beat up and they put it on a bike! And I still find time to bust a Gaelic rhyme! And rip your Yankee Doodle arse on the mic! I'll knock your face off your moola, Alba gu bràth Hoo-rah! (Hobo: Hoo-rah!) Foundin' father but no children. Crossed the Delaware but your soldiers can't swim! That's Washington, such a shit tactician. The fucking British Army didn't even want him! I'm Harrison! And I'm flawless! Stay hid in your office or suffer great losses! I pop my kilt, strap my gun in my hill, step in the bank and I'm ready to kill! Send all you politicians straight down to Hell! The only Washington I trust is Denzel! George: Is that the best you got for me? I chop down an emcee like a cherry tree! See power! That's what the meanin' of my flag is! Your nation's famous for golf and haggis! I'm fabulous from my head to my shoe buckle! Step to me, you catch a knee to that moose knuckle! 'Cause I know you don't wear no draws! I'm dressed like a pimp, best moves at the ball. McGlavin, McGliven, McSchool you all! Cock block more Scots than Hadrian's Wall! Scot: I don't give a shite 'bout your fancy clothes! You whipped all of those out of slave black folks! Grew weed, then you made hemp rope. But if you think you'll beat me, you must be having a smoke! No joke! Don't tea off with me, laddy! If you held my balls, you couldn't be my caddy! My style's ice cold, yours is old and shabby. You're the father of your country, but I'm your daddy! Here are some fanmade ERBs: First fanmade ERB, Mr. Kelley! VS! Joel Stromboli! Begin! Lyrics: Mr. Kelly: En garde! Here I come grapich the Red Cross! Wish yo face full of cum nothin' to be scared off! You're just a pathetic depressed little clone... Who cannot remember how he drowned. I'm the symbol of liberty your life's a supermarine. Mine's a destiny I Dubi Dhadi. A brawl tonight, and you'll end up in jail. let's put a smile on that face that just got raped. :) Joel: Woo hoo hoo! And 'ear we goh! You need a master? Everybody even remembers your name. Now you're just a mask? Not even an idea. Every year dat Battle Royal turns out to be something lame. Man, seriosly? You're famous because you wasted? Your whole life turns out too be a compete with. This is what happens when a mad dog chases a fuckin' asshole! Benjamin, Betty, Betty. And suck my goals! Mr. Kelley? he's gay, folks. Rappin' with his smallpox. He hides his face origi. Chief Picasa products. Anyway it completes me. I never defeated Bobby Toro, You never banged Marston! Kelly: Get friggin' over here! See? I'm the bad Guy. I forced the goverment. While you try to make a buck cry. You think you're tof'? Wish yo scars and yo fancy make up? I'll beat you rough, I'm tough. No jokes! You better give up. I'm sarajevo sarajevo yo vagina! Voraciously pissassly van pushin'. The virulent vermin with a vendetta. I'm very sorry, but I'm not kiddi'. You better be cryi'! Joel: Tastes, tastes, tasties! Even taste of your jacket! I'm the genuine jealous testing as a jeerin' Anonymous! You freak. Wanna see a magic trick?! Ear' is yo ass and ere's my dick! Why so serious? When I'm rapin' yo anus! Feel zee fear in yo stomach!? While it's just my penis! You little slut call yorself V for victim! Get over here and let my knife have a deep talk with your reptile. Second fan made ERB Battle Dutch van der Linde VS Plinto Ottaviano Begin Lyrics: Justin Roberts: Hello everybody, my name is Justin Roberts! But you call me MR. JUSTIN ROBERTS! All right, today we got Dutch van der Linde! VS! Plino Ottaviano!!!! Plinto: Must have taken every ounce of your courage to agree to fight me here, do u know who I am? I'm Plinto Ottaviano! I got a baby kick, I kick it back! In the delivery room, I Spawn a Camp! Gotta kill, teabag a trap! You watch porn in the front row of class!? And then you fap, fap, fap?! Do the math motherfucker, I'm Insane! I do the Cinnamon Challenge with cocaine! When life give me lemons, I fucked 'em in the ass, and gave it Lemonaids! Ran over your girl the other day with my car, Is she okay? Dutch: You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success? Fuckin' act like it! And my girl's fine, we just have sex! Do the math? Well, I forgot my pencil. Guess I'll take notes in your blood! God gave you lemons? Find a new GOD!!! I take the scenic route through Mordor, walk in through the front door, open! So much courage I do the worm, with a boner! You got no friends, you loner! Where's your ass-pack? Even Marston from my former gang could kick your ass! Fuck off! YEAH! (Indians regroup with him)..... Plinto: (Jumps back up kills the Indians, attacks Dutch) I put the fun in funeral, laughter in slaughter! But first I'll trap you underneath the stairs, Harry Potter! Then I'll murder your parents, so your bloodline's diminished! And bury them, who's grounded now bitches!?!! Dutch: I made your mom come, you could at least make me breakfast! You're a faila, I'mma swallow you, and shit out Success Kid! You give nothing to society! Except a headache! Where's my Maxim Gun? You're getting beat to a skirt steak! Plinto: I give nothing to society? Yeah, that's a real crock of shit!! I feed the homeless, to the homeless, donate blood ALL of it! But for u, I will deliver you evil, and lead you into temptation!!! Got a headache? I've got your cure. Decapitation! Dutch: What doesn't kill me better run the fuck away! Who are you again? I kick ass, and don't have time to take names! You think I've lost? Here's a twist, I'm the Final Boss! Say goodbye! You've reached your peak and (Both) now it's your time to die!!! Justin: Yeah! (Both fight to unending, Justin laughs maincally) Third fanmade ERB Battle Slender Man VS Druid Lyrics: Justin: Hello everybody, and welocome to the show!!! Yes! I knew it will be great day today. Yes! Fuck u, Cole! Anyway today we got Slender Man vs Druid. Druid: Haven't seen me in a while? I seen you just fine! You took 5,028 breaths in your sleep last night. Where am I? Look out the window, see that parked black van? Well I look out my window, and see you Slender Man. Just surrender, damn! When people see you they hide, when people see me, they die. You've got no eyes, and no help from the moonlight. Lights off, game on! Grab your leg, om nom nom. This ain't fiction, no pretend. In the end, you'll be dead. Slender Man: Not afraid of the dark? I like a challenge. But watch your step, you might trip over your parents! Don't you dare get blood on my Armani suit! Killing is my motherfuckin' hobby dude! You've got no chance, better start surrendering. So let's dance. Everyday I'm slenderin'! I'll run circles around you. Tie you up and bound you, tip I'll take the lake I'll drown you! Your face looks like shit, manure. I got more facial expression than Kristen Stewart! You've got dyingteeth, oh the irony, without a face, I still look better than you, see? No wonder nobody wants you, you look like a more cracked out version of Gary Busey! Druid: You do look better... in the back freezer of my kitchen. Kill you that easy? Well aren't we optimistic?! Feel a breeze tickle your ear? Nah, that's just me whisperin'. Are there mosquitos out here? Nah, that's just me nibblin'. 1, 2, What'll I do? Three, four, Pull a trap door. Then I'll rip your spine out and... Make you a wacky inflatable tube man! You're workin' for me now, and we're having some layoffs! So I'll set your tentacles ablaze, boss. Someone please pass the Hollandaise sauce! 'Cause I'll be havin' calamari for days, y'all. Slender Man: Knock knock I'm there! To send you packing. Wait for it.... RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!!! Now I'll shove these cufflinks in your eyes, Gag you with my cumber bun so nobody will hear you cries. Justin: Break to eat McDonald's fries! (All 3 hit the McDonalds, they eat, go back to rapping) Slender Man: Then I'll whip your back, with my Kenneth Cole slacks. Use my gucci shoes to swat your ass! Like the spider, the ones you swallow in your sleep. Guess who puts them there? Me! I no just how to end this song, teleport to before you spawn. And then kill the mother that born you, so you were never ever drawn. Justin: Lemme guess who win, folks. And who u wanna see next! If u say both of 'em are bad, sucks too be you. Hahahahaha! Good night!! Fourth fanmade ERB Battle Tony Montana VS Shelton Benjamin Lyrics: Justin: Gentlemen light yo finest cigars, and ladies hold on to your penies, 'couse tonight, it's the Battle Royale between 2 of the most fanciest man in the world. :) Benjamin: Look at my fist, now back to me! Now back to my fist, now back to me. What's in your hand? Back at me! An expensive gift you found thrown in the sea. Now look again, it's a deadly piranha! Now it's veal parmigiana! I'm on a dolphin, where are you? You're on the moon with no O2. Now look at me, I'm extremely handsome. Now you're being held for ransom. Behind you look a box of kittens! At me, now look back Jason Witten! Close your eyes, okay now open. Now look down, your hip is broken. I'm almost done, soon you can talk. But if you attack, Ezekiel Jackson will block. Ezekiel: (Blocks Tony's fists) Block, block, block, block, block, block, block, block, block, block, block! (Is kicked in head by Tony) Montana: Haha! I kill two stones with one bird, and feel bad for the stones. My raps are so good, they make a less interesting man explodes! I'll drink your blood, chase it with 151! I challenged myself to a staring contest and on the third day I won! I'm the closest thing the world has ever come to perfection. When I get lost in the hood, Gomez's Gang give me direction! Google searches me, dolphins watches me! My beuty has seen more than you. And when in Rome, they do as I do! I just show up, and bitches follow. I don't always give women orgasms, but when I do, they swallow. I've wear a black belt in karate since I was in a womb. I'll leave dos keys over your eyes kid, go to your tomb. I'm kicking your ass. You're fighting off the urge to say thanks. Oh and btw, Old Spice will never smell as good as Axe. (About to kick Ben in face, but Jackson blocks) Ezekiel: Block! Benjamin: Old Spice smells better than fresh chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven. Cinnamon rolls, that new car smell and blueberry muffins. Library books, Play-Doh, with paint and known that you can't take the glory! Those giant felt-tip markers and gasoline... All mixed together. Montana: I don't always call people liars, but Old Spice smells like the typical run-out-off-the milk-soup. (Punches Benjamin in jaw, knocks him out) Ezekiel: (Punches Tony a mile away!) Bah old man, you've been talking familiar for an hour! I'll burn yo ass, with double sun power. What rhymes with explosion? Another explosion! Now excuse me, I gotta go work on my tits at Gold Gym. Justin: Ha! Fair enough you go work on them tits, Ezekiel, we know you will. Alright, before you guys leave and go yell at yo wife, I'd like you to say who 1 and who u wanna see on the show next. Well old sport, see ya in the morning. Fifth fanmade ERB Battle Michael Corleone VS Nate Johnson Lyrics: Justin: Wassup everyone? Today I'm here with a special guest Mr. Canting he's cool. Canting: Hello folks! Justin: Shut the fuck up, Canting! Well, today we got Mickey Corleone! VS N-N-N-N-N-Nate Johnson! Nate: Look up in the sky, not a bird, not a plane. It's just little o'l me, Nate John's the name! I'm a Pop Tart, don't get it twisted son. Been crushin' cosmic pussy since life numba one! I'm the first politician in West, won the horse West Race. Here's some bread to you, have some wheat on yo face! Oh, your name is Tard? That's short for retarded! Now don't get mad, have some Skittles! I just fart in it. Your face looks like a shitty kid version of Fuckass Swanson! You'll be forgotten, like the pubes dangling off of my johnson! I'm big in real life, but in the White House I'm huge! You can die tomorrow, I'll still get 80,000 votes! Michael: What doesn't kill you... pisses me off. So I'm gonna be the one to fuckin' finish the job! I eat, I sleep, I shit, and fuck my wife. You ride through West, that's it? You should be layin' 'round Lucas Borlinghaten. I'll eat you for breakfast and turn you into a nice turd. Have you seen Titanic? My favorite actor was the iceberg! I'm a celebrity, I'm in Time Magazine. The biggest name in France since, uh, motherfucking Lassies. You're a try hard, I didn't even want fame. Kicking your ass? It's in my DNA. Nate: You're shorter than the pinky of Peter Dinklage! Scratch that, more like Dinklage's it's peter, who would be shrinkage! You're still a Corle, my penis cause the Big Bang! Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van. What's wrong, Mikey? Where's the other six dwarves? Celebrating your absence with coffee-flavored liquors? You're about to get spade, and I've got a flush. you down the toilet, your wack raps make me blush. I'll put you in a blender, I'll turn you to slush! BTW, you're not the first pussy I've crushed! Michael: Crush me with does rhymes, you can't shit delirious. I had fun once, it was a traumatic experience! And maybe I am smaller than a midget's fridgid nidle. But at least I'm not some wanna-be Toaster Strudel. You ain't shit, you ain't king, you're 8 bit, Atari. Just quit, you won't get these eight wifes I'm sorry! And the only reason you got to get that many votes, Is 'cause your dad couldn't get pussy so he sexed a pastry! Justin: Oh!!! That was awesome! Pastry? Get it! Lol. Canting: That was gre- Justin: Shut the fuck up, Can! Anyway... Who won? Tell me, folks. Oh, I know, it was defenetly Michael. Sixth fanmade ERB Battle Adam Bell VS Shao Kahn Lyrics: Justin: Wassup everybody!? Ya'll know I'm already over the border of South and North Korea right now? I got my north face on! Brrrrrr, It's cold! Anyway, today we got a Chinese terrorist, Kizkakati! VS Shao-Kahn! Shao: Kizkakati? You mean what I did when I saw you in a lawn chair laying down. Watching little boys on the playground? And if you took off your mask down. Nobody knows who you are! Bitch, I'm a star! Me and Greed0 gon' make Rush Hour 4! You can find us where the chicks are chillin'. Don't bring the Korean dude, guy looks like a Pixar villain! Adam: You should rub your tummy for good luck, Chuck! Cuz when you said "launch" you meant to say "lunch", uh, you're a fuck, up! When I said nuke the Chinese, I meant put the take-out in the microwave, up! You suck Greed's rod, man, you're a green guy's bitch, Shao-Kardashian! Shao: I seize the power, I will destroy! All the little boys in 1917. You're a Chinese Soulja Boy! Your fat jokes don't affect me! I'm the King of the OutWORLD! And winter's coming, hide your twin daughters! You got China fans? I got White Walkers! Adam: I'm Sausage, I'll eat your Seoul, I'll turn you into Kenshi! You're less off a communistic threat than a movie producer in the 50s! You grew up in Switzerland, I'll freakin' Tobler-own you! I'm a mother, father, Gentleman! My father would disown you! Shao: Gentleman? Didn't you get the memo? Nice guys finish last! You're not gonna be able 2 Gangnam Style when I put your arm in a cast! You're a fag! You're just mad, 'cause you're no longer on the top of the Billboard chart! Now I'll hang you from the top of the billboard in parts! I'm a Outworld leader, baller, fortune cookie reader. And an Asian pu*sy eater! You're lamer than Justin Bieber! Got a little Sight-dick, and a brittle sidekick! I'm worth $5 trillion! This is genocide, bitchy! Adam: You're a clock without a tick, that's right you are all talk! 5 trillion dollars? How many chocolate factories have you bought? I do blow sip top shelf. You will blow up yourself. Your army's small, you get picked last. You're too short 4 Six Flags! You're not King of the World, bitch, you dead! You Jon Snow, bastared son of Ned! They call you a leader, thay say you're supreme? But only cuz' your stomach's always filed with sava cream! Bitch! Gangnam Style! (Pisses on Kahn) Justin: Yeah! Give him hell, boy! That was awesome! Anyway more battles comin' up soon, see ya. NEW ERB battle, Romeo and Juliet, VS! Connie and Carmine! Begin! Lyrics: Carmine: I'll handle this, darling. I'm known 2 fire off some BAR's. 'Cause if these 2 lovers cross me, they're gonna end up seeing stars! Connie: I mean, I'll let you go first, butt damn sure I'm gettin' licks in! On this hissy-fittin' rich kid and this prepubescent vixen! I'm sick off 'em! Carmine: Let's beat 'em then, and we can rob 'em blind! I'll stick this punk up in the front. Connie: I'll take this broad from behind! And pop a cap in the ass of the last Capulet heiress! Givin' Miss No-Nights-in-Paris a reason 2 cry to 'er parents! Carmine: Oh Romeo, Oh Romeo, wherefore you tryin' 2 flow, yo? Mofo, you soft as a froyo! Are those the drapes to your clothes, bro? (Ooh!) There's gonn' bee a tragedy! Connie: Make you ache like your balls on the balcony! Carmine: Falcone Family put their money where their mouth is! Both: Spit sick like a plague on both yo houses! Romeo: My love, your face is beauty 2 behold. I will protect thine honor from these dust bowl dildos! Juliet: A moment's break from your gaze is an eternity past. So 2gether, wee shall both put these bitches on blast! Romeo: En garde, thou artless beetle-headed flax wench! The only insult you have thurst upon me is that stench! Why don't you twist upon these nuts? I heard you're good with a wrench! The dismal state of your raps should be a federal offense! Juliet: Hihi, And you there, wrenched with a neck of a chicken. You get ass-rippin' worse than your boyfriend's in prison! You're not a true romance. You're just a conjugal visit. Oh, but that's not even your real husband now, is it? Carmine: Hey pardner, you best put a muzzle on your missus! Fore I teach you how we handle disrespect down in Texas! Romeo: Do you quarrel, sir? Ho, shall I draw my long sword?! Or will you duck your chicken-shit ass back into your Ford? Connie: How could you beat my man in some mano a mano? You can't protect your best friend from some John Leguizamo! Juliet: No, no, my Romeo will beat you beau in contest blow 4 blow. He will do upon thine dick what you hath done upon your toe! (Connie shots Juliet) Oh, I am killed! What irony is this? The lead role shot down by a failed actress... Romeo: Then I shall kill myself! 0n my stomach I shall lie, So you louts can lick my azz! Thus with a dis, I die... (Poisons self, dies) Juliet: (Actually alive) Oops, nevermind, my flesh was only grazed. Where's Romeo? Oh Nomeo! There's poison on your face! Oh happy dagger, pierce me true, Persuade my breath 2 stop! Sheath yourself inside my heart and like a beat, I drop! Carmine: Well that was tragic. She: That did not go ass expected. Carmine: Woulda done that boy some good, just wait a couple off seconds. Connie: It's kinda sad though, really, so young, 2 just died. :( Carmine: Well, at least we got each other. ;) Connie: Just Connie, Carmine: And Car-(Both get shot 30 times and die) Uh....Who won? Who's next? U dicide...OHH!!! RAP BATTLES OFF HISTORY!!!!! NEW ERB battle, psice! YEAH!!!! Lil' Miss Rarity, VS, D-d-daniel L-l-lamb!!! Begin! Lyrics: Rarity: Oy mate, pass the liqa! It's Rarity sicka! Lil Miss, following you right before the dawn of Twitter! I'm a human trigger warning, through the nights until the mornin'. When the light shines upon my crimes, you find it sick, appalling! An infamous, notorious delinquent! There's little more gory a thing than living in Victorian England! This is horrorcore, beware if you're a common whore, Or at late night you may find me knockin' on yo door! Not keen to leave until I'm knee deep in blood and gore. Your grieving family on their knees, weeping, scrubbing floors. If the police need a lead? They dunno what they're lookin' for! My raps are like the way I eat my meat - bloody raw! Daniel: Rare, you're a classic megalomaniac. You haven't mentioned me once in your entire battle rap. Pity your verse wasn't worth the trip in the jacket. Quit jackin' off on the track and put a lotion in the basket! In touch with a illa serial killa can deliva! Rhymes finer than the Chianti I would pay with your liva, But the thought of your putrid flesh makes me want to shiva, 'Cause your British body's covered in more piss than kitty litta! You stabbed men when they wouldn't give you attention. Like a Penny Dreadful version of O. J. Simpson. But these days your nickname is all that's even known, And you didn't even come up with that shit on your own! Rarity: I'm real! You'll find me making vacancies in bottels, 4 you only exist inside the pages offa novel! You were kept for ages in a hovel. xD Contained within a cage behind a locked door while I never got caught! So who's the superior serial killer, Doctor Lamb? I'm still wanted, you're forgotten, people these days are watching Stalker! So God protect ya from the Hell I've spread upon us! I'm terrorizing London, fuck the 7/7 bombers! Daniel: No, no, Miss, you were doing fine. Until your ham-fisted attempt at a terrorist line. How typical of an "pony" to chase a headline. Pick Dr. Pickman's brain and ask him how I got mine. I'm the bon vivant of violence: a licensed psychiatrist! You just dine on highest society through a sound of violins! Don't get me wrong, I'd roast both your tail and my hibachi! But 4 a serial killer, you're ass tasteless as a bowl of Kashi! You prey on rich guys and play with their body! I don't mind that you're naughty Rare. I hate that you're sloppy! Barney, take me back to the Dixmor's Asylum, 'Cause this dirty little lamb has just been silenced. Who won!? WHO'S NEXT!??? U decide! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *Pinkamena jumps in and kills Justin*... Barney: EPIC RAP BATTLES OFF ZDE WHOUL HISTORY!!! Category:Future Ideas Category:Ideas Category:Pages without images